This may very well be my last post. I realised the other day, that I’m finally over AA, so-called alcoholism/addiction and ‘recovery’ – it’s boring!
I’d been listening to my favourite radio station, and one of the guests was a woman ‘in recovery,’ who had (of course) written a book about her ‘journey to sobriety.’ I experienced a revulsion, and muttered to myself, “For f***’s sake! Is there no end to this crap?!”
I realised that I’m finally free of that little AA voice which had been cultivated during my eight-year membership – that voice that made me second guess myself, my decisions, and my beliefs. Well, no more!
It’s about time I was true to myself. That means embracing the fact that I really don’t care much for other people. I hated sponsorship, I hated my job (mental health support worker). I don’t know whether a god exists or not, and what the hell does such a question have to do with somebody’s propensity to recover anyway? Personally, I think it’s hubris to claim the existence or the non-existence of a deity/higher power (more often than not backed with a ton of cognitive bias). I’ve also embraced the fact that I hold a nihilistic view of life. It’s all inconsequential. None of us matter, really. Anyway, I’ve never felt more like me.
Obviously, it’s taken me quite a while to get here. I’ve known deep down for over a year that I was over it all, but actually accepting it took a little longer. Truth be told, I’d dedicated the best part of twelve years to ‘recovery,’ so letting go of that identity has been a bit of a struggle.
Writing these posts has been the cathartic experience I had hoped it would be. Funnily, enough, the idea for my blog was born out of a last-ditch attempt to re-integrate myself into the world of recovery when I left my job (and the profession). I had been feeling somewhat lost, and so started searching the net. I even I joined a couple of recovery forums, but soon realised I had no desire to carry a message, nor could I tolerate all the recovery talk.
Eventually, I stumbled across AA Beyond Belief, a progressive AA movement that has steered away from traditional (and fundamental) AA. They run a stories section, and podcasts.
In my floundering, I was gripped with grandiose ideas, and sent in my ‘important’ story. I’d imagined that I might get on a podcast too. My imaginings were short-lived, however: although my story was printed, it didn’t really make much of an impact. No podcast for me!
Whilst, my ‘plan’ hadn’t worked out, however, I had noticed that just putting pen to paper had been incredibly therapeutic. I also realised that I had much more to say; hence this blog.
I feel as though I’ve finally got it all off my chest, and that I’m now free to move on. There’s really only one last thing for me to do: to dispose of all the Twelve Step literature I have accumulated. It’s all boxed-up and ready to go. Now all I have to decide is whether to bin it, burn it or give it to a charity shop. We shall see!